This One Goes Out to the One I Love

I love people who break gender norms. I love femmy boys. I love butch ladies. I love people with unconventional moxie.

That being said, I have to declare… I am completely in love with Amy Sedaris. True story. The woman is amazing. I met her a little while back, and I was shaking and my hands were sweating like an idiot. I couldn’t have been more uncool.

But that’s me in my awkward glory. Amy, on the other hand, is a bold, strong, creative woman who can do just about anything. She is a version of the woman I strive to be. So I wanted to dedicate my last mandatory class blog entry to the magnificence of one of the women I love so, so much (no offense, mom).

The first exposure I had to Amy Sedaris was through Strangers with Candy, in which she played Jerri Blank, a 46-year-old former boozer, user, and loser who goes back to high school to pick up her life where she left off as a teenage runaway. I loved her raunchy and satirical humor, but I most loved her transformation from the gorgeous woman she naturally is into the horrendously unattractive Jerri. What kind of woman chooses to make herself publicly ugly when a woman’s worth is heavily defined in how attractive she is? A damn brave and beautiful one, in my opinion. I’ve dedicated Halloween costumes to Amy’s spirit, playing the ugly woman for just a single night, and the experience of being shunned or ignored because you’re unattractive is so intense that I can hardly fathom how she did it for so long as Jerri and continues to do it via different characters.

Her talent isn’t confined to comedic acting and screenwriting, she also has two books- I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence and Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People, both of which are incredibly funny, have great project ideas, and feature photos of Amy as different characters (like this and this) that she’s created and whom I adore. Even her public image (of a hypersexual, un-PC, insensitive twit) is a bit of a creation, as her true personal self is a compassionate woman who makes strides to communicate with and entertain people with various disabilities, cares for house rabbits and advocates proper rabbit pet care, and has been celibate for years.

It seems that she flawlessly and seamlessly dwells in both her real and pretend shoes, and she does it entirely for herself. It is this sort of fearlessness that I love and admire so much about her.

So here’s to Amy, with love. Hopefully you will find the same awesomeness in her that I’ve found.

...

I’m not going to pretend that I can (or ever could) fully understand what it’s like to be a woman of color, but I can see and acknowledge that I have certain privileges that aren’t available to others because of the color of my skin- like not being asked to speak as a voice for my race, not being called well spoken considering my race, or getting to see people who are of the same skin color and similar ethnic background to mine in essentially all mainstream media in a positive light... the list goes on and on, but you get the idea. So when I heard about this… I’m kinda speechless. It’s blatantly targeting Black women and vilifying them. And maybe it’s best that I’m a little speechless right now; you should just check this out for yourself…

Ugh... Isn't there anything else to talk about?

You can add the Royal Wedding to the list of things I couldn’t care less about. Okay, fine, he’s royalty and now she is too. But seriously, why are we so caught up in this holy matrimony baloney?

I was blissfully unaware of when the royal wedding was to take place, and then I hopped online to be assaulted by a gazillion articles and photos of the “big day.” Who was snubbed by not being invited? What did so-and-so wear? Who’s the little girl who didn’t smile in the kiss photo? Oh my god, did you see Kate’s sister showed up in white- can you believe it?

UGH. Who cares?

Am I supposed to be happy that two people are in love? If so, why wasn’t their love such sensational news before the wedding? Why didn’t I hear about anyone else getting married today? Am I supposed to feel cheated because Prince William is so ‘foxy’ and now he’s ‘off the market’ for my romantic and sexual consumption? [Isn’t that phrase itself (off the market) deliciously ripe with sexual objectification?] Am I supposed to be jealous of Kate’s style and beauty or the fact that she’s married now to an opulently wealthy guy who could ‘take care of her’ for the rest of her life while I’m unwed and the partner I have ain’t got money, fame, or fancy anything? Or am I supposed to envy that some other woman achieved the greatest thing a woman can ever achieve- landing a husband?

For me, this all means absolutely nothing. I don’t care about her dress. I don’t care about her hair. I don’t care about any of it at all. I feel like this is supposed to be some sort of wet dream for ladies, but… well, I guess I’m just not much of a lady then.

Maybe it’d be different if I were British. Maybe this is big news for Brits, but I’m not even looking at British websites, so the message is that this wedding is supposed to mean something to me too.

Or maybe even Brits couldn’t care less…

Big Up to MMA!

I LOVE mixed martial arts. In comparison to other sports, it’s more intense, more exciting, and less predictable. Some people have compared it to human cockfighting, but quite frankly, the comparison is absurd and farfetched when you’re comparing two consenting, autonomous adults in a controlled environment to two animals forced to fight one another until death. In MMA, there are set rules, weight classes, and officials to control the event and ensure the best protection possible for the athletes.

In terms of gender, MMA’s biggest sport heroes are the men who can fight very well but are also intelligent gentlemen or at least nice guys (such as Georges St-Pierre, Chuck Liddell, Jon Jones, or Randy Couture). The guys who can fight very well but are disrespectful, macho, and egotistical are booed and disliked by the audience (for the most part, that is… Some people do like the Diaz brothers or Brock Lesnar even though they’re tough-guy A-bags or utter dolts who aren’t above questioning a man’s sexuality to doubt his masculinity). The point though is that even in an ultra-masculine environment like MMA, people still value feminine qualities like friendliness, grace, and humility.

But aside from an audience favoring fighters who have both masculine and feminine qualities, the MMA fan climate seems very anti-female at times. But this is changing. There are a few popular female fighters, like Cristiane 'Cyborg' Santos, Gina Carano, and Marloes Coenen, but for the most part, women’s role in MMA thus far has been to walk around a cage or ring in a bikini with a card that announces what round is coming up. Men’s MMA is much more mainstream and respected, but the ladies of MMA do exist and are fighting (literally) to prove their mettle. Male fighters are regarded as better, stronger, and more dangerous than women fighters and are said to have more lucrative fights than women (i.e. fights that pull in more viewers and sell more event tickets and pay-per-views). Women (now generally speaking) are often relegated to male fighters’ arm, eye, or jock candy.

For both male and female fighters, it helps a fighters’ popularity immensely to be attractive, suggesting that a good portion of MMA fans are straight women. Georges is BEAUTIFUL… me-ow. Randy’s a good-lookin’ dude- goin' on 48 and still fightin'! (He's announced his retirement now, and his last fight will be on April 30th.) Jon Jones is super foxy. And Chuck is… well, not my cup of sexy tea especially, but he ain’t bad. All the women fighters I mentioned are tough as nails. Cyborg is arguably the most feared and respected female fighter in the world right now. She’s very masculine in appearance and physique, though. Consequently, she’s mocked on MMA forums and blogs for being “manly” and unattractive. Gina Carano and Marloes Coenen are both gorgeous women, undoubtedly enhancing their fame and notoriety, not to discount their immense talent and ability. While their looks might draw some interest in seeing them fight, the talent these women have will only legitimize their place in mixed martial arts- MMA fans don’t really tolerate mediocrity or inaptitude in their athletes (nor do the fight promoters or fighting organizations).

While MMA has been expanding since the explosion of the popularity of men’s MMA in 2005 thanks to the first season of The Ultimate Fighter, it has been growing to include more and more competition between women. As the sport continues to evolve, women’s MMA will only increase in popularity and see a boom in new competitors entering the sport, just like what happened for men’s MMA.

And it’s gonna be sweet.

(Just to forewarn you, the video features MMA which is pretty violent. Also, the video is way better if you don't listen to the background music- you probably wanna mute it...)

Scornful of the Motives and 'Virtue' of Others and the Cowardice of Myself

Sugar and spice and everything nice- that’s what little girls are made of.

It’s come up at least a time or twenty in my life when I’ve had the inner conflict of being outwardly polite when boiling inside to scream out “Shove off!” I think lots of people end up in this position, but politeness is a gendered characteristic expected of girls/women more so than of boys/men, as the old adage goes.

Reason I bring this up now is that after a class recently, I was asked by a man in my class what my last name is. So I told him and he said, “Great, I’ll look you up and add you on Facebook.” Alright, whatever.  A day or two later, I received his friend request and an email that said, “I see that you’re in a relationship, but I first asked for your name because I found you attractive and very interesting and was hoping to ask you out. But I thought your relationship would be a lousy excuse to not be your friend, so with that out of the way…”

To be totally honest, my first reaction was to feel intimidated. I don’t even know why, beyond the fact that I wasn’t sure how to respond. I didn’t really feel like being friends with the guy after I got the email. On one hand, I felt that he tried to do the ‘honorable’ thing by valuing me as a person instead of just a potential date, but I also felt disrespected that he decided to tell me he found me attractive and wanted to ask me out after he found out about my relationship, like he was testing the waters to see if maybe he still had a shot anyway.

With feeling intimidated and disrespected, the next natural emotion was anger. I wanted to lash out at him- Really? You think it’s cool to just go around telling women how you want to ask them out but you’re such a great guy that you won’t try to interfere with her relationship with another man? What did you really expect- for me to swoon over your virtue? Does that game work on any woman? Nice try, but kiss off.

But I took a couple of days to calm down and try to give him the benefit of the doubt- maybe he really was a decent guy who made a tactless mistake in expressing his “feelings” about me to me. In the end, I sent him a very direct but polite email saying, “Yes, I’m in a relationship that I’m very committed to. I’m glad you’re the kind of person who values others beyond what capacity they can serve your immediate interests. As long as we have that mutual respect, I’m sure we can be friends.”

But I’m still not sure why I felt like I needed to be polite… Maybe I just haven't got the guts to let someone hate me. Agreeableness is a feminine virtue, but I don’t even care if he’ll be my friend or not, so I'm ultimately being dishonest with him which is super lame of me. Or does my dishonesty in this situation actually make me seem like a better person because good people are nice? Why didn’t I lash out if it was my gut reaction? Did I owe him the politeness I ended up giving? I could have just ignored him and never responded. Why should I present an amicable, congenial appearance when I’m angry? 

Maybe I just need to embrace my inner misanthrope for who she is… let her breathe every now and then instead of always trying to stifle her. I mean, isn’t healthy living all about balance?

(lyrics here)

Love and Marriage and Suicide

In class the other day, we were talking about when they thought was the right age or point in life to marry. In another class and presentation, we talked about suicidality in men and women. And the combination of the two topics put me in the position of having to face my past.

After being in a relationship for about two years and feeling invincibly in love, I asked my partner to marry me. I was 19 at the time. He said, “You’re so sweet.”

That was all.

Four of five years later in the same relationship and still madly in love, I asked him again. He said, “Probably.”

That was all.

A few years later, after nine and a half years together, I ended the relationship. It was arguably years past due, but I finally walked away. I hadn’t planned on it, but I wound up falling into another relationship very quickly. But a year into that relationship and a year after the dissolution of my previous relationship, I started to feel like an utter failure.

I had realized all of the things that were wrong in my previous relationship, and I felt stupid, duped, small, and inevitably unsuccessful. It was as though I was starting over. I wondered how I could be 27 years old, unmarried, still not finished with college, living alone, childless… Even though I was in a new relationship with an incredible partner and human being, I wanted to die. The person I thought I’d be and the life I thought I’d have at 27 were not the reality I found for myself.

I reached out to a friend who I trusted would understand me, and through time and talk, I learned to cope with my feelings and grew to appreciate the unconventional path I took in life and the place I wound up in. A year after those suicidal feelings had dissolved, I had a lunch with my ex and although I didn’t tell him why, I told him that I struggled with suicidal ideation the previous year. And as I told him this, I broke down in tears. Even though my suicidal feelings were gone, they were replaced by the shame I felt for ever having been suicidal at all (which in my mind at the time was an irrefutable indication of weakness, selfishness, and stupidity).

Statistically, men are more likely to complete a suicide than women are, but women are more likely to engage in suicidal behaviors (Helgeson, Psychology of Gender 3^rd Edition, p 593 – 598). Each gender has its own expectations of what goals to reach and by what age. The danger isn’t in wanting to get married or in setting goals for yourself- it’s in the sense that if you fall short of gendered goals, then you are a failure or somehow less of a woman or man.

My hope for men and women (and for myself) is that our ideas of gender are flexible enough to accommodate life’s realities. Not everything works out “how it’s supposed to” according to our gender scripts and timelines, and that’s okay. And the more that we realize that gender and certain institutions like marriage are strongly socially influenced and therefore not imperative or inevitable, the better off we’ll all be.

On a lighter side (which is only lighter by virtue of not entailing suicide), don't propose in public. Rejection is hard enough to handle, but being publicly rejected... That's a-whole-nother level of suck.

Women Can't Fight?

The military is a weird sort of family/institution that if you’re not part of it, your opinion of it doesn’t matter much to the people who are part of it. I guess it’s not really that weird when you think of it like a family- anyone who talks negatively about my family or chimes in on how it oughtta operate had better be a member or else their input isn’t welcome. But the obvious difference between the military and my own family is that the military affects a much greater range of the world than my little family. In this post, I’m going to talk about something military-related and be up front about the fact that I’m not part of the military. But I think that’s irrelevant in this case…

In his article “Engendering Health: A Social Constructionist Examination of Men’s Health Beliefs and Behaviors,” Will Courtenay discussed the multifaceted construction of masculinity that leads to more health problems and shorter lifespan for men. Of the many institutions and factors that contribute to the construction of masculinity and consequently men’s health, he discussed the military’s policy that dictated only men were allowed to serve in active combat.

To quote Courtenay, “In defending this standard, the U.S. military recently argued that the country is not culturally prepared to witness the things happening to women that happen to combat soldiers and to prisoners of war (Lieutenant Colonel Robert Maginnis, cited in Suarez, 1995).” Talk about a glittering example of hostile sexism toward men and benign sexism and infantilization of women.

There are a plethora of reasons why the military (or any institution) would think women less desirable to see in combat- the notion that women are helpless, less capable than men, fragile or delicate, etc… But a woman who joins the military is most likely pretty tough, and I doubt she’d be pumped about anyone calling her helpless, incapable, or fragile.

Men are supposed to be tough, macho, brave, strong- but what is it about our perception of men that suggests that they’re expendable? If the idea is that some lives will be lost to protect a nation’s freedom or sovereignty, then what makes men’s lives more acceptable to lose than women’s?

I’d personally rather not see anyone die as a result of any sort of violence, but that’s not really my choice, is it? If the military is going to exist and wars will be fought no matter what, then I just can’t see why men and women can’t fight side by side. Not only does this seem sexist to me, but it also sounds unlawful. Again, I'm not involved with the military at all, so I'm not on top of the current regulations it has for male and female soldiers as of this day, but it sounds like the military is coming around to the same conclusion I made...